I have recently given up. It is really the best thing I have ever done. I have so much peace now. My head is clear of excessive thoughts. I am here present in the moment. It is wonderful.
Let me back up a little.
I am (or used to be) the type to obsess over everything. I am not sure when it started but as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to know "what if this?" and "what if that?" I would run simulations of the future through my mind to solve potential problems before they happen. This ran through ever fiber of my personality. I had to understand everything so I could control the outcome of future events.
In many ways, I felt like I was battling this unseen enemy. My world was wrong. I passed judgement on everything and I sought to fix the things within my control. The things I didn't control, I sought to control. It was like a duel between the protagonist, me, and everything that I thought needed to change.
Why have I given up?
I now admit that everything is perfect.
Life is not always comfortable and it does not always smell like roses. There are times that I feel comforted by the universe and there are times that it kicks my ass. If I zoom out and look back, I can see a larger plan taking place. Everything that has happened and everything that will happen has been carefully planned and executed. Even my stubborn nature and my efforts to change things are part of the plan.
There is no point in trying to change something perfect.
The other night, I imagined myself laying down my sword. I said these words: "I have nothing to do here. Everything is perfect. I give up."
I no longer have anything to think about. I do not need to think about the past. I have no reason to think about the future. I have caught myself a few times slipping back into that familiar groove but I quickly catch myself. There is absolutely nothing to worry about because everything is going to be just fine.
I still work. I am still a father and I am still a husband. I just don't need to anything else. I don't have to be "off in space". I can just relax and enjoy whatever the moment brings me.
It's quite in my head. For maybe the first time in my life, I cannot hear myself thinking and it is wonderful.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope you can experience this too someday.
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