Plz help I relapsed 12 days ago after 94 days clean and sober

I overdosed again it restrains happening not sure if it a overdose or not but I end up in infirmary every single time I’ve unusually bad anxiety when I make coke and it begins me lots off physical soreness in believe they might be in my intellect I ever take myself to hospital anyway this relapse has affected me vastly I’ve lost my spirituality I feel lost shock enraged at myself I’m hurting so bad I could have died and left my loved ones without me I’m so disgusted in myself ashamed I hate myself I felt purpose and meaning in my 94? Eras clean-living and sober and now I feel lost upset enraged mystified why did I do it again everything was fine but I felt it wasn’t I’d split with the two partners and he was sending me abusive words everyday and photos off alcohol and trash and it tip-off me over border I choose I didn’t give it affect me but it did and now I accuse myself I should have be stronger

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