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Fear

Hello everyone. I hope you are staying safe and peaceful and within yourself and sunbathing or enjoying the lovely snowfall.

I just ruminated and am in … some home … ironically however this is quite paradoxically reactive. Writing this is just sort of happening.

I am scared. This has been one of the hardest weeks of this entire year. Self-doubt. Self-hatred. Narcissism. Separateness. Fuck this, fucking around, fuck everyone, fuck everything. Death. Pressure. Intense and intently frustrating cluttered confusion that spawns it feel like my insides are grinding and clashing together. Like “I” had expended so long building a beautiful problem, or rather watched as a beautiful puzzle gradually spurted into existence, and “I” had finally begun rely person or something. I was not making my ability ruler me and instead was able to reside in faith. To affection the mysteries of spirituality and life.

Then all of the sudden( well actually not all of the rapid at all although it sometimes feels that way) I then came in and wrecked it all. I knocked the perplex and burned the pieces and told all those peaceful and beautiful beings and things who were leader me to “GET OUT! ” “YOU BUNCH OF LIARS YOU’RE CONFUSING ME AND YOU’RE WRONG AND THIS IS HARD HARD BRUTAL WORK AND YOU’RE HURTING ME NOW! ” I felt I was actually worse off from when I started my route, my junket. As if I had one step forward and then two steps back.

Now I feel I am procuring some peace of mind, like the seas are calming down and the gloom is parting. That I’m becoming okay with where I am. Like I’m starting to retake thoss steps forward.

But I’m very scared. I panic as if I will return to that stormy situate of horrid woe and confusion where my intellect, specially the “evil” side of it settled free. I am telling myself to trust that I will be able to return to where I am, that it will never leave me, but simultaneously another part of myself is saying “You thought that before and you couldn’t come back. You couldn’t find your road back. This may be the last time you ever feel this way.”

I don’t want to cling to this feeling of tranquility and mindfulness because I know that will simply push it further away faster. I know I need to surrender to this fear and not … you are familiar with as I’m writing this the answer I “re looking for” is becoming clearer. I theorize it’s simply “Be Here Now” Surrender to that horror and accept it and don’t worry about the future, precisely Be Now Now.

This was weird to write hahaha I can’t imagine it was a fun read. Actually only a fresh pour of reflects, a sort of piece that couldn’t decide whether it was a journal entry or a Reddit post.

I will surrender for now, and hope I remain faithful to my hope.

I’m going to post this simply because haha … haaaaa squirm

Be well. 🙂

submitted by / u/ jlytheraven [ link ] [ notes ]

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