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I’m lost. (19 years old)

Hello, This is gonna be long so i’m sorry for that. It’s actually my entirety life story and I still do feel depression, if you will read everything you will understand why. Thanks for reading.

A couple of years ago , back in 2012, when I was only 11 years old, I found out about a video game, after checking out the game, I received there a server I liked, I really liked it and eventually I got addicted to it, I even kept real fund in this game, I toy for a while using defrauds and then went boycotted, when I went unbanned I hindered abusing misleads and get boycotted again and again, when I started playing I told to myself that my biggest dream ever is being an administrator in this server( I was 11 year olds merely, so yeah it was actually my biggest dream), after getting jailed ingame, I left for a while, then came back in 2015( was 14 years old then), I asked for another chance because this game actually was my life and I couldn’t stop playing it, I was addicted, this time I played without cheaters, I started a new newspaper and tried my blessing, then I went helper grade, which is 2 grades below head, and then I was so happy, after I cheated that is something that, I supplant let the admins team cartel me and promote me to helper rank, after a year, I got promoted to moderator rank( I was 15 years old then), in the meantime, while playing this play, I preserved frisking playing, I dallied for the WHOLE DAY, I didn’t even leave my home because I was so addicted, and it mischievously injured me and my social talents without even noticing it. After I got promoted to moderator grade which is 1 grade below administrator, something happened , something that may or may not be good for me, I was 17 year olds when it happened( 2018), aight so this is the case, when I was a moderator, there was a guy who had issues with the owner of the server, let’s call him Daniel( absolutely no truth to the rumors name of course), Daniel had some problem with the owner of the server and the owner permanently restricted him from the server, Daniel decided to make an internet blog which he affixed there alot of cheats for the server, at the same time, someome from the adminis team were seeping him admins’ information. Something I didn’t state till now is that I got a brother that played in this server very, we played from the same IP address , so after Daniel affixed cheaters in his blog, my brother said in a public converse “I’m working Daniel’s cheats”, generally you wouldn’t be eliminated for admiting you used chisels, but since the action with Daniel was confidential, my brother got banned, and so am I, because we played from the same IP address , so I requested the owner if he can unban me and I can still dally , he said yes , but he didn’t gives people back the moderator grade, which I actually wanted to die at the same time, imagine violating the confidence in you, and you constructed it up gradually, and once you constructed it up, everything explodes in your face because a stupid sentenece your brother said , so since then( still 2018), i’m command myself, FUCK MY LIFE, what do I supposed to do now, this recreation was EVERYTHING for me, and now when my biggest dream couldn’t be allowed to happen, I started expecting myself, why i’m even alive , I can’t talk to ANY person except my family, this addiction actually got me social tension, which i’m dealing with till today, after all these things happened , I tried to survive , not killing myself, then my life got to point which I couldn’t handle anymore, I had to go to army in a few months from there, in 2019, I shared my feelings in local meeting of my own country , I “says hes” that I don’t wanna live anymore because i’m kinda dead in an alive body, which isn’t a lie actually, so after I did that, police came to my house and they actually took me to an hospital for parties with mental questions, I was there for a week or so and told the psychologists there that the admins of that gathering probably got me wrong because most of them are girls( which wasn’t a lie ), but they didn’t certainly are wrong, after releasing from that hospital I tried to stay in a positive intellect but I just couldn’t, the depression was much stronger, after a few months of trying, I went to army,( in my country you have to go to army), on one entrust, I didn’t want to go to army because I told myself “maybe it’s your time to leave it all and start living as you should”, because I was in that hospital I could choose not to go to army, but I chose to do that anyways, I hope that it would draw me stronger phyaically and mentally, but it didn’t assistance me at all, I went to army in Feb 2020 instead of Dec 2019 because of that history.

Okay so now when we already im 2021, I have been in army for a while, about an half year actually, and I don’t feel better actually alters me or forms me stronger, i’m now an actual soldier which is 19 years old with social anxiety, and this is why i’m a little depressed, imagine people in my senility and much younger, go to forbids, guilds, enjoying man as girls, and I can’t even extend myself to a supermarket and buy myself a concoction, theoritically, while they are running, I didn’t even start slithering, and now i’m in different situations of my life that I don’t know what I should do, after coming released from that hospital they said I have to meet a pshycologist, and I tried formerly, but they didn’t gives people the pshycologist I necessary and it truly didn’t facilitate me that is something that, so now after this “book” I would say , i’m trying to find a reason to stay alive , and even try to be positive, but I really can’t find that reason, the army doesn’t let me are still in home for the entire week, only in weekends, and it doesn’t actually giving me time to invest it in self-development which I reflect I currently need, I don’t know what I should do now in my life, I feel lost, I have social tension in 19 years old while being a soldier and no one genuinely knows about that, and I don’t have anyone to share it with, because of my social distres I don’t have any friends and my family isn’t actually supportive, seems like they doesn’t be concerned about my feelings, I hope you actually read all( which you probably didn’t), and if you did, YOU ARE Astonishing, I genuinely appreciate it, because it was really long. Please give me some advices what you think I can do because i’m really lost now.

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