Spiritually Dead

I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what to do. All I see is that people say that things happen for a reasonablenes and there’s a rainbow after the tornado but frankly I haven’t identified it.

I’ve been studying and evidencing and working on myself. I have been through a lot and every time I though I start to go ahead I fall 10 gradations back. And then I would go 2 up and 10 down.

Today I experienced there is this thing my sister and I got provoked about and wanted to buy it. She encouraged up, it was so nice to see it since she was feeling under the weather since morning and all this thrill enlivened me. I decided to go and buy it but I had to go to the bank which were closed during the Sunday and only one was open in the plaza, kilometers away. I came up and went on not realizing it was raining.

Eventually it made me and hour to get to the mall, I was soaking wet simply to find out that the bank can’t make a transaction. So I went back home … I was soaked to the bone, like I became swimming, I came swellings, my favorite wintertime case came apart for what? I’m freely I didn’t catch a freezing or something worse .. and for what?

What was this all orchestrated for? What was the reason? Was there a reason in the first place?

I feel so spiritually all dead bad guys. I feel disappointed, annoyed … all those low-spirited frequencies. What is the point of me meditating for months, approximately two years, deepening my attitude, proving, when these things happen?

All that little hope I gathered here and there disappeared in matter of seconds. And there is nothing further rise. There is no rainbow, only limitless rounds of storm. No trouble how much I climb I can’t contact the turning point, I’ve been to the bottom once … how many times?

Is there ordinance of act and reaction or is it really an apparition? What do I have to give to get something in return? At what cost?

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