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Currently lost in a storm.. Trying to find my strength and courage..

Hi friends here to share and relate. My journey started 3 years ago I had a dream on the eve of the day that my sister died a marry times earlier, and the year was thursday 33 rd of december. Fast forward November 2019 I had my first ego fatality which scared me but stirred me realise so MUCH that I aimed up rearranging my life drastically. Left an abusive marriage, moved, meet new friends mostly started to rebuild my life and started to treat myself and my person better. Met an vigor healer who I still have sessions with. Last time is starting the year I made leaps and bounds with my spirituality like lots of breakthroughs on psychedelics. Who ever the beings are showing me the frequency of the universe in the flower of life/ seed of being. And being visited by rainbow body Padmasambhava when i was on LSD. My dad died last June and it left my entire world tip-off upside down and I felt myself slipping back into the holes that my pains have left. Which compiled them so evident to me that I must regenerate them. Diving deeper into the spiritual world learning about attachment, and reading and listening to Ram Dass. All the while trying to eat better. Last-place September I had a breakthrough, a purging. I had made a invoice of LSD and in was strangely very very high. My body was not retaining water& I felt insanely tired. I went aid( this was at and episode) and they gave me electrolytes. Which I imbibed until I was feeling sort of okay. My mind seemed so unhinged. I was terrified of losing my spirit. My body began to purge, I was pooping and throwing up like no other. This bride approached me with a tincture – ghost plant. She said it would bring my memory back& foot me. So I took it and it was like she flipped a switching in my body& psyche. I was back to feeling reasonably regular again. The synchronicities I had with this woman were miraculous. Down to our babies both having the same calls& the same IBS difficulties to the way the book “be here now” came to us. Fast forward 6 epoches and i wake up in research hospitals. The part right side of my figure numb. So treated a couldnt imagine straight-out. I found out I was on life support for three days. No one had answers for why other than them giving me medicine my organization didnt like. After I came out of the hospital, I was somewhat ok for a few cases weeks minus my dizziness and ability gloom. And then in october something altered and i began to have panic attacks once a day. My health declined and with several excursions to the hospital they couldn’t find anything wrong with me. About a few months with distributing in started insure a Naturopath and was diagnosed with( SIBO) Small intestine bacterial overgrowth. Effects emotional issues, starvation, gastrointestinal controversies. Eventually asks. I decided I needed something to pacify my ever kindling anxiety and began solely mulling. 20 mins in the morning, 20 mins before berthed. I can now sit for 45 mins comfortably. Jan 1st rollings around and i start treatment for my tummy. I was getting better. I had stopped mulling mid January because I had accidentally astral protected and my peers concluded me feared that this was not safe without certain set.( Later found out its safe) but I had cut back my reflection so I wasnt leaving my figure. Fast forward to now. I got over the influenza first two weeks of feb. But I was back to square one with my belly concerns. Back to panic attack and dreaded anxiety. Its been two weeks on my brand-new medication and in kind of feeling better. But I guess its been hard because I am trying to persevere through this cyclone. And I know the universe gave me this endow to learn from it and certainly heal myself, but its been hard, I havent felt like myself in 6 months. There are periods where I cry because I feel worn out and feel like my fortitude is bursting. I do my best to go forward each day with love in my stomach& to affection my organization so it soothes. I can no longer do psychedelics do to my belly& I know that maybe I leaned on them as frailties and the universe is coaching me to be myself without them. I’m back to ponder again, but other than that im not sure what else will help release my stress and allay my subconsciou. I dont feel safe in my form& feel a great deal of fright. I know my damages have contributed to the feeling I have of being unsafe and the universe is trying to teach me something. I just find im too tired most eras I havent articulated their own efforts into my spirituality lately& in lose because of it. I require good-for-nothing more than to get better, yet there are currently days when i wish to leave my torso& the suffering behind because it would be easier. I know this storm is going to help my rise& is ultimately the universe showing me that I can conquer my nervousnes. But I waiver. The last-place marry weeks ought to have hard. And ive been crying a great deal. I feel lost in this storm,& I care I had the strength to really go deeper into myself for lead but I find myself so tired all the time. If theres anything everyone can intimate or offer me to do all minds are welcome. I know this was long and if you took the time to read i am so full of grateful for having a smidge of your time. I am sending you all the love i can muster. I know this feeling won’t last forever, I’m just trying to find my strong. Xo

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