Why do I always want to starve myself when I am confused or conflicted spiritually, and does anyone else feel this way?

I am wondering if I exactly equate skinniness to piety and modesty. I also constitutes preoccupied with looking at photos of haute couture skinny girls( I myself am a straight maid) and I am just mesmerized by boniness.

Growing up I was very depressed so I wouldn’t eat properly and as a result I was scarily underweight as well.

I gained a bit more weight after that but then lost it again as a few years back I had a spiritual crisis and fasted a lot in efforts to “repent”.

I am no longer scarily underweight , now I am “fit” underweight and am at a healthier figure solid and have added lean muscle mass as I was scared of killing myself. I am fairly comfy at this target and I am disbelieving the part past several years and I feel like I didn’t have a real problem because it was just me being a dour young adult.

Despite all this I want to go back and lose more weight, I felt very special when I was bony and I liked having a goal to work towards. I admit I am vain by nature. There is a reason I are concentrated on my form rather than on a hobby like reading.

It took me forever to get my season back after being mentally sick for years so I’m not keen on shutting down my reproduction organisation again by undernourishing myself so I don’t know why my brain continue to be haunted with it all even after my dark night of the person has passed.

Why do I default to the idea of starving myself whenever I am going through a fluster or spiritual conflict? Anyone else feel this way?

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