I keep searching different perspectives on this, and am processing so much stuff that it mutates era to epoch. My spiritual pattern is helping me through this time of transition but it’s not enough in itself. Open to any feedback.
I left a very restrictive and abusive – some on my own part, some on hers – marriage of 16 times. I’m still coming to periods with why I stayed so long and went through all that agony. There were colors distinguishes for certain. But I wasn’t able to have a friend of my own that entire experience. And I constantly felt like marriage was infeasible. No person or persons could replenish all the needs in my life – emotionally, sexually – but my time was so much in demand supporting her that my own needs just got lost. I was raised with mothers who fix it out and were frankly lamentable. Not simply because of their marriage, but it’s the template I had.
I’ve had some uncommon sexual knowledge but I was something of a late bloomer. In retrospect I thoughts I was recovering from the damage of an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive childhood. I don’t denounced my mothers, my mummy has passed and I have a good relationship with my dad. But my relationship with my mom was always tightened, she was a hellfire to position it mildly.
I’m seeing someone. I like her a good deal, enjoy her. She doesn’t want something traditional and told me the other day she wants to explore an open rapport and what that might mean for us. She is happy with what we have right now but I have some impunity to explore.
Why am I post now? It’s prompted a pretty strong reaction in me. I’m up all night time handling it all. What do I crave? Why do I panic abandonment? I is certainly not specially envious but am anxious and frightened of feeling left open. I am ravaged, invigorated, been set up, shut down. My ex was super clingy and controlled my hour. I had some same problems but not to the same degree: I just like a good deal of female tending. I am crying a lot of the working day , not sleeping at night. I feel like I have a path forward for personal exploitation. I’m seeing a therapist. My partner is supportive and listens to me talk through all this nonsense. But I feel like I’m in free fall. Meditation aids “ve brought” down some. Is this a healing crisis, or something else? Anyone else gone through similar, or can offer any admonition?
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