Hi lovely parties< 3
I’m feeling restless and listless today, from all the hardship of my relationships brought to me. I have Complex PTSD, from growing up in an emotionally chaos background of inaccessible, passive vigorous, and abusive parties. I can’t really trust anyone. Funny how that brought me a on a roller coaster bundled with every type of narcissists that they are able to never bring me a date of serenity in my life. After a couple of months, I lastly tell them go one by one, til now I’m totally on my own machine healing.
This healing process is hard, it makes me to the core. Retraining your intelligence to be rational in every situation is tough, peculiarly when you have been exposed to the disharmony of everything for too long. I revere myself time to time for rebounding back again and moving on with “peoples lives”; I’m now having everything I ever missed( not a figment man or anything, but my own gap undisturbed ), but I still can’t bare loneliness most of the time. Perhaps it’s co-dependency I’m very used too.
I’m lesbian, btw. My divine feminine is more pronounced, with quite many cool cleverness I eventually professed later in life( maybe something was wrong that I ever captivated the crooked masculine copies ). I’ve been living in a northern European country for almost five years. I tried by any means to get now to find a new soul, to escape from my poisonous family and surrounding. But animation hasn’t been so easy when I acknowledged it’s my scalp tint, how I look, and my refer that they are able to position me on a pedestal in a zoo, an “exotic animal” for locals to “try” for mere interest. I went spurned from all the professional ranks I applied to, even the internships( which later I encountered were always filled by a white-hot/ blond party ). The guys I dated with( unhappily only my surface thought they were dates, they considered them as hookups instead) primarily ended up with shallow congratulates on my form and sex, never a thing about my aptitudes or anything academic whatsoever. None of them was supportive or anything to my personal growth.
I feel like an expatriate living on an island the majority of cases. I never certainly try to whitewash myself to fit in like other non-local folks( by understand the language, garmenting just like the locals, endless partying/ doing pharmaceuticals, working expensive supplementaries …). I don’t despite that select, but I just see the results are just grave, your name proceeds spiralling downwards til you are completely diffused to the everyone. My friends of colours here are the ones I love most, for the basic salary chores I have had. I feel them passionately listening to the same floors of systemic racism and oppression. I exactly don’t know what to do with all of that but “cry” with them. I feel pathetic most of the time , not for the patho of our fates, but more of the extravagant deaf, mute, and blind from the white-hots around. I hold firm to my foe with grey advantage, it’s genuinely sick.
For years I have tried and tried to be better. I tried to help people, but almost nobody gave me their hands when I needed them “the worlds largest”. I feel like a burden, ever, when being with those I called “friends”. It’s unbelievably hard to be good enough for anyone. Tarot learns, rites, crystals, sigils, magicks, whatever I try most of the time feels like I prevent propelling bottled letters to the boundless ocean hoping one day to be known and watched and hear. I don’t well known and when the people with same mindset and models would come to my life, I certainly am clueless. I don’t want to keep leaving to those who would abuse my goodness instead of reciprocal exchange or rise anymore. I am done with people who only appreciate me as a sex object. I have had enough of all these things that deplete my everything left.
I am a hard-working immigrant, I work to pay my own monies, and I pay my charge. I am a good son of a family of five who ever make room for family members in need. I am a good friend that would cause more than what parties asking questions, without expecting anything in return. I am a good devotee who would ever wish and facilitate my partner to reach their highest meridians. I am trying my best to be good, I am trying, I attest. I exactly don’t know when things will get better or at least there will be reciprocal exertions. I’m extremely discontented these days I sleep more than 10 hours per day after these daily panic attack. I don’t know, my restrictions are maxed out, for now.
Sorry for this long post. I don’t mean to offend anyone, delight be open thoughts, constructive, and genu. Hope to hear wonderful stories from you guys, extremely. Wish you all the best.
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